Diary of a Douchebag

DOAD – Quickie

DB — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 12:12:31 +0000

A girl asked me on the bus the other day “Can we pretend that Airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?” I said no and switched seats.

When is a sink only a sink?

DB — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 15:41:05 +0000

Why is it that if I go to a public washroom and all the stalls and urinals are used up that is it frowned upon to take a leak in the sink. The sink is cleaner than the toilets. This is unfair and I do not think that I should be asked to leave the washroom and to never return to that restaurant again. Not everyone can hold it in you know.

I have now been kicked out or asked to leave from the following:
One Hardware Store
Two Malls
One Movie Theater
A Car Dealership
Two Office Buildings
Four Fast Food Restaurants
and a small Airport

This is a Sink, not a urinal Sir

Reality DB

DB — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 18:19:26 +0000

Why would you give Steve Slater his own reality show? What did this douche ever do to deserve his own show? You know who should get their own show? That Urkle guy from Family Matters. What has he been doing lately? I am interested in knowhing and Wiki isn’t giving me the information I am looking for. Come on Jaleel White! Step up and get your own reality show and let me and the rest of the world know what you are doing. Maybe we could hang out for a bit. Would you like that Jaleel? We could be buds. Anyways, think about it JW.

<3 u

Family Matters

I play for money

DB — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 13:05:54 +0000

Dear Diary,

I started to learn how to play the ukulele last weekend. I can play 5 songs now so I figured that entitles me to go beg for money on the street. I took the day off work to play down on George Street. I made $1.25 and got a coupon for free cover charge at the strip club. I am going to have to step up my game if I want to make more money. I am thinking about getting a loan of a dog and or baby or something just as cute. Dogs and babies should get those poor saps downtown to give me more money. I can play happy birthday so if i tell everyone that it is my kids b.day I should be able to scam some good coin off it. Does anyone have a kid/dog i can borrow for a few hours?

I should log off and get ready for the weekend.

Later suckers.

My Flying V ukulele

Top 5 Douchebag things of the week

DB — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 17:56:17 +0000

1. A homeless guy asked if I had any spare change and I said yes and walked away.
2. I was at a restaurant for supper and I left a $3.18 tip by personal check.
3. I opened up a bank account to get a free bag of cookies and closed the account the next day.
4. I dropped my pants when i went to the urinal so no one would use the one next to me.
5. I took a picture of a girl throwing up and emailed it to her co-workers.

My nut hurt :(

DB — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 18:51:42 +0000

I just had to go to the mall and look for nut meds. I have no idea what they are called. “I want meds for my nuts, Nut meds!. Where can I find it please?” The cashier at lawton’s directed me to the Pain Relievers. $2.99 for 24 Ibuprofen or for 20 cents more I can get 50. No brainer there. I left with my purchase happy as a clam. To end this stupid story sooner rather than later, the Ibuprofen didn’t work very well. My right nut still huts. The End.

I hope you have a better day than what I am having. L8rz

QOTD: Long weekend

DB — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 18:23:14 +0000

What DB actives are you doing for the long weekend?

Bowling Alley Public Urinals

DB — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 12:26:26 +0000

For many years now I have been bowling in a 10 pin league here in town. Like most people, I lived my life thinking that the urinals there there fun and safe. Douche was I ever wrong. There is a deadly combination of urinal with think dark blue urinal cake with a small hole in the middle that I had no idea existed. Like normal I was just hanging out trying to hit the target when all of a sudden a nice steam hits the mark perfectly and then turns around and comes back out like a fountain. Urine went everywhere. On the walls, on the floor, on my shoes, and on my shirt. What a douche! I was covered and I only had minutes to clean myself up before It was my turn to bowl again. There is just so much urine a guy can clean up before he comes to the realization that it just isn’t going away. I manned up and went back to bowling. Turns out I actually bowled the greatest night out of anyone in the summer league. Was it due to the awesome power of the urine? We may never know.

To all you bowlers out there… Watch out for the urinal cake with the small hole in the middle and remember, it is better to get pissed off than to pissed on.

Movies where people start dancing for no good reason

DB — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 14:11:16 +0000

There has been a number of movies in the past couple of years that turned a watchable movie into a “WTF” moment for many people. I watched the movie “Gamer” over the weekend. It was decent but then towards the end there was a dancing scene. I get the point of it, they were being controlled but dude, WTF? Why would you have to put that in the movie. I would really like to hear the decision behind that one. “Well my director, we have a pretty good violent movie here but we at the studio feel that the movie could use a dancing scene so that we can market this film to a larger audience”. Thank you Mark and Brian. Great call on that one.

Let’s not forgot the Peter Parker dancing scene in Spider-Man 3. I will save that gem for another day. Let me know what you think. Random dance sequence in movies, love it or hate it?

Gamer

QOTD: Why Pink?

DB — Mon, 31 May 2010 19:00:19 +0000

What is the point of pink urinal cakes?