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Douchebag 24/7

Today is July 24th. I got married for the second time two years ago today. The next time I plan to get married in Vagas and the time after that in space. Can you imagine how out of this world a space reception would be? Crazy bones.

Happy Anniversary sweetie.

Sometimes false advertising is a good thing

I am sitting here at work eating my Gluten free pudding admiring the great design that Belsoy used for the lid when I noticed in large bold letters TASTE – GOUT. I was shocked because I totally didn’t taste any gout at all. I am not even sure I know what gout taste like. Maybe I have had it a bunch of times and never knew it. I always assumed gout would taste kinda fishy mixed with blue cheese instead of this light caramel flavour (flavor for you Americans) sold in packs of four. I am glad that I cannot taste what I perceive to be gout flavour. Thank you Belsoy for making a gluten free pudding though I assume most pudding is gluten free, Belsoy at least has the guts if not the gout to advertise it.

Welcome to 2012

So as the countdown for the end of the world continues I am sitting here at work thinking of places to go on vacation next year. I figure that things will be really cheap if the world is destroyed thus also destroying all the world’s economies at the same time so tourism will play a big part in the recovery after the zombies show up and eat what is left of the rest of us. If I am wrong then happy New Year and I hope you have a great 2012.

I kind of stopped wearing my Bluetooth headset lately, not because it isn’t cool anymore just because I got married and no one ever calls me. No one I really want to talk to anyway. I can now make the excuse, “Oh, I am driving so I can’t talk” or “oh, I am at home doing nothing so I can’t talk”. That last one usually works but sometimes I get follow-up calls asking me what I meant that by that and if I was joking. “I might be joking but I still do not want to talk to you.”

Back to the zombies. If zombies really do take over the world after 2012, would you want to be a zombie who can basically life forever (unless there is a zombie hunter around), or be one of the 17 people left that gets cut down to 9 after the first season, but then magically finds more people in season 3? Yes people, real life is like TV. Speaking of made up stuff, who don’t vampires ever hunt zombies? Can we have a vampire/zombie mix? Something to think about. So go and think and it.


Sunburn on my head

I just got back from a very short 3 day vacation in the Bahamas. It should have been 4 but a freak snow storm kept me stuck in Toronto an extra day. I went to an all inclusive resort. The weather was crappy but the sun was strong enough to burn my still shaved head from my failed Halloween costume where I shaved my head and beard so that I can look like a trucker. Not sure why I had to shave my head and why my hair didn’t grow back. Either way, I am going bald and my head looks like one huge rash. People stare, oh do they stare. I also did Movember. I pretty much look like a jerk but no one bothers to ask if it was for Movember. They just think it is me doing stomething silly again. To make things worse, most of the jerks in my office have the same trucker stash. Way to be unique computer nerds. I am still tired from my flight back home so I am going to go take a nap in the bathroom until it is time to go home (I am at work). Laterz.

So they want to get rid of Ronald

McDonald’s does not control what we eat. Sure they make tasty somewhat unhealthy food and offer us choices of other food that we may perceive as a healthier option, but in the end it comes down to choice. We have the choice to eat there, we have the choice to order a salad instead of the fries (with or without the fatty salad dressing), and we have the choice of getting water instead of pop. We all know that eating bad it usually the cheaper and easier option and McDonald’s is just filling a hole with a product that we all know and love. People can argue this but the point I am trying to make is that instead of blaming a corporation for people being unrealistic, people should step up and make the right choice for them.

Ronald McDonald has never made me think, “oh man, I need to go get a cheeseburger and fries”. If anything, you can blame the marketing department for giving away great toys in the happy meals. I have gone to McDonald’s and bought $128 dollars worth of happy meals just to complete my beanie babies’ collection. This past weekend I picked up two happy meals just to get the batman toys and when they gave me something for a different collection I demanded that they give me the batman toys that they had on display. Once I had them, it made my cheeseburger and nuggets meals all the more better.

While we are at it, let’s get of guns because they kill people, let’s not travel because planes and car crash, get rid of violent video games because they cause kids to bicker while playing, and let’s get rid of people that tell our kids what to think, act, and eat, because as we all know that has nothing to do with the parents.

To sum up this almost pointless rant. Parents need to stay away from things that make them sick or unhealthy instead of paying for it and trying to get someone else to solve their problems. If Rotten Ronnie’s was to get rid of the food that made them the junk food empire that they are today and given the financial troubles that they are going through they just might go out of business and have someone else take their place. So instead of getting rid of your Big Mac with its whopping 21.5 grams of fat, we will be looking to change our health care plan to cover the heart attacks we are going to get after eating all those greasy Baconators with a staggering 60g of fat.

Pick your poison, keep the mascot.

I hate skinny jeans

What is it with skinny jeans? It is bad enough that girls wear them but guys also wear them. Did I miss the memo where it said it was ok to wear skinny jeans? Back in my day (old man speech) the thing was baggy pants. We wore them to rebel against our parents and to look cool. We didn’t invent the baggy pants; we just copied what we saw on TV. Are kids rebelling against us now by wearing skinny jeans? I did not see the trend growing on TV. Maybe I was watching the wrong shows. Maybe I will notice the trend on the shows that I watch on Netflix. They are starting to get a lot more content from 2008 and newer.

I have only seen about three girls that look good in skinny jeans, and that was back before they were popular. It wasn’t because they jeans made them look good, it was because the girls were hot and can look good in a garbage bag covered in dirt.

I guess this is a sign of me goring old. I hate skinny jeans, most of the new music sucks, I don’t hang out at the mall anymore, and young people annoy me. Yeah, I am totally getting old. Maybe I should go out and get a pair of skinny jeans and show off my butt crack.

Hello Mr. Ed

Horse FaceToday I started calling people by made up old TV show names. Mostly it was at random. Some fit the description like when I called Mark “Mr. Ed” cause he kind of looks like a horse, and others do not like when I called Jessica “Mr. Ed”. I can’t say that I was the most creative at making up named today but Peter kind of liked the name Brainy Smurf becuase he actualy thinks he is smart. I only thought of the name because of the smurf iPod app I downloaded.

P.S. Jessica doesn’t look like a horse but I would like to mount her.

Friday douche

I am bored at work again on a Friday. Friday is the only day of the week where my entire office does nothing but talk and eat cake. I actually try to work but with everyone else pipping off I can’t actually get anything done. So instead I get to hang out and get paid to go to the bathroom and clean the pron of my work laptop.

Have a great weekend.

First year anniversary

Today is my one year anniversary. Paper is the traditional gift for the first year so tonight at supper I am going to give my wife divorce papers. Let’s see if she can take a joke.

The perfect Christmas gift

The perfect Christmas gift

Men, are you having problems finding the perfect Christmas gift this year? Well look no further than here! Click on the link for some of the best douche bags around. Your women will thank you, some men will too.

You are welcome!